Every so often I awake to the unsettling discovery that DEFLATEGATE is still a thing. Yesterday, for example. Why can't MITT ROMNEY take a stand against this? At this point, as far as I can tell, the NFL has spent 14 months and an estimated $12.5 million pursuing TOM BRADY and the PATRIOTS not because a few footballs were a little underinflated, but because the quarterback threw away his cellphone. BRADY's cellphone is the HILLARY CLINTON email of this affair, the thing that will follow him until he throws up his hands, says "you got me," and agrees to switch positions from quarterback to placekicker. (Full disclosures: I'm a masshole by birth, MITT is a masshole by choice and ESPN public editor JIM BRADY, who took his own network to task yesterday for its questionable DEFLATEGATE reporting, is a JETS fan)... In breaking mascot news, the men behind the CLIPPERS' widely derided CHUCK THE CONDOR say they anticipated the hate and they're OK with it. "Name the last mascot that was unveiled and broke the Internet," says JASON KLEIN of the mascot branding firm BRANDIOSE. "We create mascots that can't be ignored." And in MILWAUKEE, the BREWERS will hold a press conference today to address the fate of HANK THE DOG, who some people suspect died and was secretly replaced before the 2015 season, a la PAUL MCCARTNEY and BILLY SHEARS... GOOGLE STREET VIEW offers an inside look into last year's IDITAROD. This year's starts tomorrow in ANCHORAGE... RIP MARTIN CROWE.