People said it couldn’t be done. “Brian,” they’d say with weariness in their eyes, “I’m sorry, but there’s just no way, ever, that there will be a set of circumstances that allows you to compare the NBA Playoffs to Bio-Dome, the 1996 film in which slackers played by Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin find themselves — through a series of circumstances and hijinks that include, among other things, urine and firecrackers — trapped inside a bubbled-off experiment, quarantined off from society to prevent a contamination that threatens the entire project, working together with teams of scientists and doctors under strange conditions for an extended period of time to achieve a common goal in the end.”
And yet, here we are, on the verge of the 2020 NBA Playoffs, with the teams in a metaphorical if not literal bubble, quarantined off from society to prevent a contamination that would endanger the whole project, working together with teams of scientists and doctors under strange conditions for an extended period of time to achieve a common goal in the end.
Joke’s on you naysayers. Here are six lessons — real, legitimate, actual lessons, kind of — that NBA playoff teams in the bubble can learn from Bio-Dome.
LESSON NUMBER ONE — MAKE THE BEST OF A WEIRD SITUATION
Context: After almost ruining the entire Bio-Dome experiment by sneaking in hundreds of people and a full punk band for a luau-themed party, Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin’s characters, Bud and Doyle, realize the error of their ways and attempt to encourage the scientists to see the project through anyway, with a few adaptations, to make it work even if it’s not exactly how they envisioned.
This one goes out to the teams that had legitimate championship ambitions entering the season, and to the handful that developed them as the season progressed. The Lakers, the Clippers, the Bucks, maybe even the Nuggets and Raptors. The teams that were cruising into March with plans of rest and focus before the playoffs, the teams that had designs on maybe even closing out the season on their home floor in front of tens of thousands of screaming fans, with confetti falling from the heavens and a mess of champagne-soaked humanity in the locker room afterward, and a parade through the streets with hundreds of thousands of people packed together whooping and yelling and hugging. All the things you see in your brain when you have those title dreams.
All the things that, now, will not be happening, as they’ve been replaced with empty gymnasiums and restrictive health protocols and social distance guidelines that frown on embracing strangers and bathing in a dirty pool of sparkling wine. It’s going to be very weird. It’s not what anyone pictured when the season started in the fall. But it’s where everyone is now, and it’s better than nothing, and there’s no point in not giving it a go. A bonkers bubble title is better than no title at all.
This lesson applies in another way, too, to some of the teams who snuck in late or who are wildly undermanned for one reason or another. More screencaps will help.
Do I think the Blazers can win the title this year? No. I do not. They’re too thin and chaotic and they’ll have to outscore everyone 145-144 to survive. But do I very much want to see Dame Lillard attempt to continue his supernova bubble performance and give the Lakers fits in the first round? Yes. Yes, I do. And do I want to see a Zombie Nets team without Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving scrap their little hearts out against the Raptors? Yes, I’d like to see that, too. The whole thing is already chaos. Let’s lean all the way into it.
LESSON NUMBER TWO — HOLD EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE
Context: Stephen Baldwin’s character, Doyle, swallows the emergency key to prevent anyone from leaving, ensuring that everyone will be stuck inside to see the challenge through until the end, challenges be damned.
This is probably a bit drastic for playoff teams in the bubble. I cannot in good faith suggest that teammates basically imprison each other inside the hotel to prevent them from breaking quarantine. The general theme applies, though. Everyone is in it for the long haul. It’s time to band together. It’s time to check on that teammate who was watching the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial with a burning desire in their eyes, the kind of desire that can lead to irresponsible behavior, the kind of desire that can send you on a mission for lemon pepper wings that results in a 14-day isolation in a playoff situation where 14 days can cover an entire round of action.
So yes, check on each other. Be each other’s support system. Make sure everyone is following the rules, even the other teams, to whatever degree you can. There’s a delicate ecosystem in play inside the bubble. One positive test can quickly spin into dozens, and that can shut down this whole operation.
And maybe stay out of the pool, too.
Can’t be too careful. That’s all I’m saying.
LESSON NUMBER THREE — ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES
Context: With the plant life dying and the whole experiment on the brink of collapse, our two idiot heroes work with the scientists to develop a plan. They use the leftover beer and soda cans from the ill-advised party to form a reflective screen that, with the addition of filtered air, will help harness the rays of the sun and breathe life into the wheezing ecosystem.
Things could go sideways at any point in any number of ways over the next few months. This is unprecedented territory. A team might lose an important player to a positive test, or even a false positive. A starter might have to sit in a Game 7 because he woke up with mild symptoms and the doctors want to err on the side of caution. The key is to adapt, to take what you have and make the best of it, to duct tape a solution together, and fight through toward a common goal. Just like they do in Bio-Dome. I can’t believe I’m writing any of this either.
LESSON NUMBER FOUR — CARROTS ARE MIRACLES
Context: I don’t know, just work with me here.
This one admittedly has nothing to do with anything, unless you’re willing to let me stretch it into a general piece of advice to eat healthy to maintain peak physical condition. It’s fine if you’re not, though. I’m really just including it to remind you that Australian pop sensation Kylie Minogue plays one of the Bio-Dome scientists.
Poor Kylie Minogue. Her character is a thinly-drawn mess, which is really saying something in a movie whose entire premise hinges on two doofuses using firecrackers to sneak into a $100 million science bubble because they had to pee and thought it was a shopping mall. She flips between being concerned for the project given the intrusion (justifiable) and being extremely horny for Pauly Shore (less justifiable, especially given that first thing). She tries to seduce him with this carrot at one point. Later, she — Kylie Minogue, multigenerational Australian music icon — throws herself at him and gets turned away. It’s not right. Kylie Minogue deserved — still deserves — much better than this.
But do get your fruits and vegetables. Fiber is a vital part of the diet. This applies to everyone, I guess, not just NBA players in the bubble. Good tip, Kylie Minogue.
LESSON NUMBER FIVE — FIND ACTIVITIES THAT PROMOTE MENTAL HEALTH
Context: As part of the process of healing the Bio-Dome post-luau, Bud plants what appears to be a tremendous amount of marijuana. The benefits of this were laid out in a board meeting earlier (plant life creates oxygen, hemp can be used for rope, etc.), but mostly, well, it’s for the reasons you think.
Two things are important to note here:
- It is hilarious that the plot hole in Bio-Dome that was a bridge too far for me, the one that I could not abide, was the idea that Pauly Shore’s character just happened to be carrying around a few dozen seeds for a potent strain of marijuana as he was driving around before they got stuck in the Bio-Dome, as though all stoners are ready to plant weed at any given moment, or are capable of this level of planning
- I am not suggesting NBA players plant and grow marijuana on the grounds of Disney World
All I’m saying is that the situation is not ideal for tip-top mental health, between being trapped together in one location and not being able to leave and not being able to see your family and friends. Players will need to be aware of this and figure out ways to maintain a balance. Otherwise, they could suffer the same fate as the head Bio-Dome scientist, who went fully unhinged about halfway through the movie and started growing a crazy man beard and making bombs out of coconuts.
He later ate that parrot. I have given a lot of thought as to which player or coach is most likely to suffer this fate before the bubble ends and the best answer I’ve come up with so far is Jimmy Butler. I could see him eating a parrot. He’s a very intense man.
LESSON NUMBER SIX — DO NOT INJURE YOUR BLADDER ROLLERBLADING
Context: Taylor Negron’s character, Russell, a creepy deadbeat loser who is dating Bud’s girlfriend’s mom and hitting on Bud’s girlfriend and later gets a job delivering pizza, starts the movie on the couch wearing an adult diaper because he suffered a very tragic and very 1990s injury to his bladder.
This advice seems very specific, and it is, although you could certainly broaden it out to something like “You’ll probably get bored in the bubble after a number of weeks and begin to seek out leisure activities to pass the time but please do not attempt anything so reckless that it could result in the type of injury that leaves you couchbound wearing a Depends like Russell in Bio-Dome” if you really wanted to stretch the meaning to its limits. I’m just including it because this seems like the kind of thing that would happen to someone on the Sixers before the whole experiment ends.
