Over 21 seasons, ABC's "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" have featured a lot of truly ridiculous "dates." Remember the Thai boxing date that sent Ali Fedotowsky suitor Ames to the hospital with a concussion? Romantic! And who can forget the two-on-one date in which Chris Soules unceremoniously dumped Ashley I. in the middle of a barren desert wasteland, with only the buzzards and boom ops to hear her cries.
If we're judging on sheer stupidity and good ol' fashioned objectification, then bikini skiing and bikini tractor racing are tops in terms of the worst "Bachelor" dates of all time. In Season 16, floppy-haired man-boy Ben Flajnik led his ladies, wearing their itsy-bitsiest bikinis, skiing down a steep street in San Francisco. Three seasons later, Old McDonald Had No Personality (Chris Soules) watched as his dates raced tractors through the streets of Los Angeles in -- you guessed it -- their bikinis.
But the true terror of "The Bachelor" franchise is, quite frankly, the sports date. As an athlete and die-hard sports fan, it's a special kind of torture to watch women in full hair and makeup act like they've never seen a ball before. You need only look at the soccer date -- featuring guest coaches Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara -- during Ben Higgins' season to understand just how painfully awkward the whole endeavor can be.
🤔⚽️😱 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/NEA68ZLfBp
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 19, 2016
The "Block." ⚽️ #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/JxIYP10x4u
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 19, 2016
The latest iteration of "The Bachelor" had its own sporty date this week, and while the girls didn't appear to be nearly as terrified to be physically active as Higgins' dates did, it was still an abomination at all turns. Nick Viall and seven of his ladies headed to a local track for a "Nickathlon" date featuring the legendary Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter. (Here's where it's worth pointing out that I was a collegiate heptathlete, so I'm especially sensitive to the sanctity of my lifelong athletic pursuits being sullied.)
They began by turning the "long" jump into a "limo jump" -- though "limo step" might have been a better assessment of the ladies' piddly pounces. The equally inappropriately named "high" jump was basically an uncoordinated dive over a chest-height pole onto a giant photo of Nick. My all-time favorite event IRL, the javelin, was modified to consist of cheesy Cupid arrows chucked toward a giant heart-shaped target.
Not every contestant is going to channel Jackie Joyner-Kersee, and of course some cutesy "Bachelor"-themed modifications are bound to happen, but even with lowered expectations these events were tough to watch. Thank goodness for all-around baller Rachel and dolphin/shark Alexis, who brought some real athleticism to the day.
Things wrapped up with the aforementioned pair and Astrid competing in the 100-yard dash, racing to grab a ring and a spot in the hot tub with Nick. Equipment fails (Astrid's unsupportive sports bra), a failed ring-grab (Rachel overshot her mark) and a loser-turns-winner finish (LAst-rid grabbed the ring after the first two gals blew past it) made for the saddest race since Mary Decker Slaney and Zola Budd.
But at least they didn't make them run in their bikinis. Progress.